G/E spent about 70% of the practising JB’s Houdini dance, and the rest planning out our dream G/E truck. Including hammock, surround sound, King size Murphey bed, electric slankets, espresso machine, toaster oven, and video projector.
And we laid out track. Easy day.
These are unprecedented. Weird, bad feelings. But it’s cool. I’m having a wonderful time.
GPOYW
(g&e 1, me 0)
Against my better judgement, I engaged an extra in conversation today. Then promptly became angry when she was predictably idiotic. Who becomes an extra to ACT? That’s like becoming a school janitor to teach history and coach football. There’s no logical progression.
But the lead Lee was cool today. Not offended by my Tenacious D shirt with a unicorn/pegasus mounting a regular horse.
is more like it. I have crushes on the:
Also, I still have moments of being infatuated with the 19 year old AC I used to date, although that was more than lust.
I’m looking up camera internships while I type this.
Ultra sad face because I’ll be waking up at 3am. What’s the point of even going to sleep?
At the Hudson Union Society.
rob came with me, and dressed nicely, and was polite, and opened the car door for me, and let me go first, and was generally a well-mannered person. it was nice. not a date, at all (although he asked me out after), but it’s nice to be shown respect.
i took notes. everything was something i wanted to hear. delightful. lynch is charming and down to earth and compassionate and lovely.
i really enjoyed it. i laughed out loud several times.
after, i asked to shake his hand, and i thanked him for his work teaching prisoners and high risk kids and the homeless to do TM. he gasped at my birthmark and called it beautiful, and cosmic, and told a story of his son’s similar (but smaller and red) birthmark. it was a wonderful moment. i was elated to meet someone i admire so very much. i was elated to meet him, specifically. he is remarkable in his description of film. i will have to try to transcribe my notes, which are very messy and probably illegible.
it was a wonderful night.
researching production jobs. i’m obsessed with this lately. i’m starting to turn into one of those one dimensional people who does everything for her job. except it’s not my job. not yet.
i’m animating at digital kitchen this weekend and next week. They’re great. Amber, connie, scott, and ryan are there, and rob roth and tai ulman were there, but they’ve moved on.
i joined IFP and Shooting People. I put the date I can join NYWIFT into my calendar, and i realized I can’t believe i’ve been working in film for 3 years. before my 4 yr mark, i need to make some serious progress.
i’m going to apply for two avid jobs tomorrow, during renders (if i get the chance), and email Kai about my lat avid job, bc i dont know what the hell happened to it. i’m going to keep bugging anyone and everyone to let me PA their shoots. and i’m going to start looking for a camera internship. i dont think offhollywood. mainly bc i was dating the AC they just fired, and that’s weird. but also bc i already know their sexist assholes, so there’s not much point in working there. of course i wouldnt make the mistake of sleeping with the boss while i was working there. duh ingrid. and jean. but if i can intern all spring, then start working in the summer, maybe i can be in wift for something other than post… idk. camera seems like the best place for me, unless i start editing offline. but i think i will online.
anyway.
enough shop talk. finally tired, and have work then maybe a date tomorrow.
I feel myself these days, but I can remember why I didn’t want that for so long. It hurts to be me. I feel like I have the capacity to absorb this profound pain from the world. Like I martyr myself.
I had this dream when I was very little, 3, I think, right before my parents split. In it, I was walking in a field of daisies, and there was someone walking toward me. At first I thought it was God, but then I realized it was Satan (I was raised Catholic). But I loved him, and I was supposed to. It was my calling. In the dream, God told me that it was my job to love Satan, to be his wife, because everyone deserved love, and it was the Christian thing to do. Naturally, when I grew older, I decided this was BS and used this conflict as an excuse to leave the Church, which I’m glad about, but… lately I’ve been thinking that perhaps I have been living that principle. That I should love indiscriminately, and that I should take responsibility for the evil. It was a pretty heavy dream for someone who couldn’t tie her shoes. I also had big ideas about math at that age. But the point…
I feel too much pain. I feel like a filter for everyone else’s hurt, like a processing plant for emotional waste. I don’t want to live like this. I’m not sure how long I can. I’ve become very depressed. There are many people around who I could go to for company, but none who understand me. Not here. Not who are available.
Life is more vivid than it was for so long. I was like the walking dead. So unhappy. but now. And then I was ecstatic. Because I was working in film, and dating in film, and falling in love with someone I relate to perfectly. And now I am *vividly* unhappy. I’m not sure how much of this has to do with breaking up with pr. I’m pretty unhappy about that. He said he thought i was rebounding w/ him, but it wasn’t like that. It was personal. I was in awe of him. Exhilarated by him. I don’t understand how someone so young could have that effect. He’s so brilliant, and so deep, it’s frightening, and I feel lost. I want to know him very well, and I’m so disappointed about it.
I was sort of ignoring the rejection part of this, too. It didn’t feel personal, bc we were good together. I mean, I think we were. Our sex was amazing. We had great conversations. I respected him. He thought I was beautiful and smart and funny. He was caring and warm. I… I don’t really know what the problem was. But for some reason he didn’t want to be around me, and it hurts to think that someone I wanted to be around all the time would decide he didn’t want me around ever, at all. I was angry, and I’m still kind of indignant (and also I suspect he is emotionally unstable. or. right. I guess suspect isn’t the right word when someone acts the way he was acting at his job). None of this changes anything. I’m just …. inconsolable. I’m supposed to hang out with Bharat on Saturday, but it might be rescheduled. I like him a lot. I’m afraid to treat him like a rebound. Or that I won’t even connect with him bc I’m still in love with pr. He is, by all indications, a much healthier and more viable romantic situation. I just… I am uncontrollably drawn to pr.
literally to him. I ran into two more of his work friends today. I pretended not to see them. i was also put on a project he was supposed to AC in the carribean, before he started hating his job and acting out. my point was lost. it’s that there is something pulling me toward him. still. I am not supersticious. I imagine it can all be explained by the science of the future (okay, I know that phrase is pretty nut-job, but clearly science will progress in the future to explain things we don’t now understand, and it’s probably more nuts to think otherwise). But. yes. I think…. something is still dragging me toward him and I don’t know how to stop it. and he isn’t there. he’s disappeared. I knew he would. And I want to disappear, too.
I’m afraid of what will happen to me.
I’m sitting in Think Coffee. It’s by NYU. I’m supposed to be working, but I am not. I am … wasting time. Watching the homeless guys. This is like nyc’s livingroom. It’s full of broke kids and broken old men. Well. Probably we’re all broken.
Communication has been difficult lately. Lots of failed transmissions. Speaking an alien language without knowing it.
I have things to say to others, which I guess means I’m not ready to die. Good, then.
I hope you’re reading this. I’m not sure who you are, but. Well. I’m comforted by the idea of someone anonymously knowing I exist.
